It started at my therapy session; for the first time in my life someone told me to accept the fact that people do love and care for me. What a thought, people care about me? You mean if I ceased to exist someone out there would notice? YES. This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I have been raised to believe that no one loves me and I am a worthless person. When I graduated high school my dad didn't come or call to congratulate me. Of course I internalized this and blamed myself for him not coming. When I was accepted into graduate school last year my mom flat out told me I was stupid and that grad school is a waste of time. Of course I internalized this to believe that I am stupid and useless. This type of poisonous thinking has been going on since I can remember. I was blamed for our family never having money, for my mom never remarrying, for my deadbeat dad not paying child support....STOP. This is not normal. This is not healthy. Where do parents get off, thinking that it is ok to place so much blame and hurt on a small child? Why do terrible people decide to have children? If you're a complete fuck-up please do the world a favor and do not reproduce.
From therapy this day went onto a doctors visit for a physical exam. For the first 45 minutes of my appointment I sat and listened to the nurse practioner (who was a morbidly obese man) tell me that I am not fat and that everyone hates what they see in the mirror. Then he proceded to explain to me where my feelings and eating disorder were coming from...so then I quietly reminded him that I am a graduate student studying eating disorders and obesity prevention. Yes, oxymoron on my part, but I do not need a fat guy lecturing me on the very subject I am specializing in....finally the exam and blood work took maybe 15 minutes...sheesh...
Finally this day ended up with a meeting with my boss. Here was a high point of my day. I am doing awesome at work. I have a million opportunities waiting for me if I want them. I am getting a chance to publish articles this coming year and take part in some interesting research projects. For the first time in a long time I felt like I am doing something with my life.
Now. I am packing my bags for a work trip. I am a mess of emotions and coffee. My head is swimming (in a good way) and I am dishelved in appearance. This is where I must end this post. I love you all. Don't let the cynical pessimists get you down or deter you from achieving what you want most.