I'm not expecting anyone to read this blog. I started it as a way to write down my thoughts and feelings as I seek help for my self. Right now I am in counseling because I have:
1) a distorted body image
2) body dissatisfaction
3) disordered eating behavior
4) I sometimes like to purge
I finally decided to get some help, but it's been hard. Part of me feels like I will get fat if I stop my behavior. I have an intense fear of becoming fat. On the other hand, I wish I was not so preoccupied with food, calories, exercise, and my body size. It's become an obsession that has grown stronger in the last few months. Last fall, weighing in around 140 lbs and being 5'8", I hated myself. I looked awful and I felt awful about myself. I decided to do something about it. Slowly some weight started creeping off as I exercised more, restricted more, and purged now and again when I felt I had eaten too much. Now months later I am down to 127 lbs. but that is still not good enough for me. I want to be thinner.
I think my intense fear of becoming fat started after high school. I didn't want to gain the "freshmen 15" like most girls do when going away to college. I saw people I graduated high school with slowly get fat and gain weight as time went on. Now 6 years after graduating I am proud to say I weigh less now than I did in high school. Sometimes I run into friends from high school and they have gained so much weight, which is thinspiration for me. I never want to be that person that no one can recognize because they have gotten so fat.
So now I am in therapy. I meet with him once a week to discuss hard topics and face my fear of fat. I still feel somewhat reluctant to let him in and let this work. Alas, I will track my progress and write down my thoughts as I go. Perhaps this experience will help others like myself, or perhaps this will fail all together. I am not sure which outcome I favor most.....