125.

I am 125. Still only 125. It has become such a cursed number for me. I am doomed to always be 125. 

I have learned that weight loss requires so much patience. So much hard work, dedication, and effort goes into each pound lost. I have to give everyone out there a big standing ovation, because unlike 65% of American adults (who are obese or overweight), we are all making an effort to reverse that trend and be thin. What is wrong with wanting to be thin? Nothing. 

It feels so good to stand on the scale and see a lower number than the time before. Feeling that empty and light sensation when you know you have been good for the day is so satisfying. More satisfying than eating a piece of cake. It just feels good to know you can set goals and reach them. 

I need to find my muse and break this 125 curse. Thank you followers and fellow writers. I love reading your blogs. You are the real inspirtaion.

Persistance.

Today I got an e-mail from my therapist asking if I was ok and checking in on me....so I grudgingly called and made an appointment for next week. No wonder this guy is always booked, he won't leave you alone. Not that I hate the guy, I actually really enjoy going to him. I just have been in this mindset of not wanting to talk about my life and emotions to a dude.

I had a revelation about weight loss today. Want to hear it? Too bad you're gonna anyways...

I have always been so consumed with weight, calories, appearance, etc. for as long as I can remember. Back when I was a naive adolescent my mother would always say things to me like "lookin' a little chubby." or "you should lose weight." and "don't you think if you lost weight you could run faster?"

Thus promoting the idea in my head that fat = no love while thinness = love. Now that I am older I understand that idea, but you know what? I don't care. I enjoy watching my weight. I love the challenge and competition to be thin. And yes, I love seeing the stupid girls from grade school (who made my teenage years hell) become fat while I weigh less than I did back then. It is vindication for my rough, awful years as a teenager. 

So in a nutshell: I understand why I am the way I am, but I love it anyways.

one day.......

Love.

Today.

Snowboarding, class, homework, and lots of walking.

Calories eaten = 1,000

Calories burned = 1,200

Weight = 125.4 lbs.

yay.

Perhaps a goal? 120 lbs is sounding pretty good.

I had a thought today: I love life and I love so many things about it right now. I have the best boyfriend a gal could ask for. I have a funny dog. I love school (nerd). I am traveling Europe for all of June and July with the best girl ever (more about Europe later). Yet, I get these insane depressive episodes of utter and complete unhappiness. Often times it comes out as irrational behavior that confuses and frustrates my boyfriend. Lately I have been consciously making an effort to stop my toxic way of thinking. I don’t want to ruin my relationship due to my inability to distinguish between reality and the demons in my head. The thought of losing this guy in my life is devastating. I know, I know, that sounds so cliché, but I know he is the one. He is my best friend, the peanut butter to my jelly.  My boyfriend knows I have this blog. He refers to it as my secret blog in a cute, loving way. He said he wouldn’t read it unless I give him permission. Perhaps one day I will…..

Oops.

Oh hello. 

Today I got up earlier than normal to attend a wonderful family event. I am happy to have Celiac Disease (so sad...but true), because other than delicious homemade cinnamon rolls (made with glutenous things), the only other things to eat were raw vegetables and strawberries. Mmmmm nothin like a belly full of veggies yay. This gluten allergy has been a blessing and a curse.

Tomorrow I am getting up early for a good sunny day of snowboarding. The season is ending in a week. I must get my fill in.

I hope everyone out there is doing well. 

Last night I ate a big plate of Mexican food and a half pint of coconut ice-cream....

Coconut ice cream didn't taste bad coming back up (gross I know).

Mexican food was awful coming back up. 

Empty stomach afterwards felt amazing.

I did not plan on eating that much and purging it. 

It just happened that way.....oops.

My Oh My

I am a complete slacker, I did not go to therapy at all this week. I didn't feel like talking about my weight, self-esteem, appearance, etc...perhaps next week...

This week has been good though. I am down to 126 lb. Just one more pound to go before I am back to my starting weight....how sad haha.

Food favorites this week:

Kale (steamed) 1 cup = 19 calories

Sliced red bell peppers (raw) 1 cup = 46 calories

Flaxseed meal hot cereal with almond milk 1 cup = 100 calories

Kosher dill pickle 1 large = 12 calories

Braeburn apple with cinnamon 1 medium = 70 calories

Baby carrots with mustard 100 grams = 35 calories

Mustard greens with red wine vinegar 2 cups chopped = 30 calories

The best part of fruits and vegetables is how filling they are for such a small amount. I love eating a big plate of steamed kale, spinach, or beet greens. Filling and nutritious.

Yelle is thinspiration. <3 her

One Pound

Today I canceled my therapy appointment (and moved it to tomorrow) and went snowboarding instead. It was totally worth it. It was making me stressed out having to skip snowboarding for therapy because snowboarding is a such a great stress reliever for me and a great workout. Plus I love being outdoors. I think from now on therapy will only be in the afternoon....maybe one day I won't have to have therapy? 

Other than a terrible sinus infection today hasn't been so bad. I did overeat a little on some trailmix earlier, but now my sinuses and head are pounding, which has taken my appetite and made me nauseous instead. Is it sad that I secretly praise not feeling well? 

It means loss of appetite and lots of sleep. 

In my head I just count the calories not consumed. 

There is 3,500 calories in one pound of fat. That means every time I cut out calories it is working towards the ultimate goal of weight loss. Only 3,500 in one pound of fat. To lose 2 pounds a week I would need to have a calorie deficit of 7,000 for that week. I am on a roll this week, so far I have 1,000 in my calorie deficit. Only 6,000 more to go until I am back down to 125.

Easy enough, yeah?

stuffs.

2 things I am loving right now:

STRFKR's new album Reptilians

and this blog: 

skinnygirlsloveskinnyboys.tumblr.com